The day before Independence Day, I was preparing my house and yard for guests for our July 4th BBQ. While I was spreading out mulch and pulling weeds, my granddaughter wanted to know why I was doing so much. I told her that I was having a party to celebrate Independence Day, to which she asked, “what’s that?”. I told her that it’s a very important holiday that we have to celebrate our freedom. My granddaughter then asked (she’s 6 by the way), “what’s our freedom?”.

It’s now the day after Independence Day and that question is still lingering in my head… it’s a tough one in the age we live in, or so I thought.

I woke up this morning struggling to move, but still thinking about the question. Once I managed to get up, take my meds, grab my bible and journal and head out to the patio….I looked around ~ and it hit me… I remembered everything that had gone on since the question was asked, all the games, and laughs and food shared, memories made, photos taken…. it was clear. I still don’t have the right words, but I sure do have the understanding, even in (and maybe especially in) today’s society. A photo taken by a friend brought tears and a flood of emotion…it was my Daddy, a retired Marine, sitting there eating his BBQ meal wearing his stars and stripes vest, and my American flag waving high above him…. it’s men like him (and women) who helped give us these freedoms in this country. Freedoms to gather and talk about whatever we want, to play games together, and laugh together, to carry on as if there is no care in the world (because at the moment, there honestly isn’t… just love for one another), freedom to watch fireworks and light fireworks, and stay up late, and clean up messes the next morning 😉 , and the freedom to read my bible….

I cherish the moments. The moments with the grandkids. The moments with my parents, and my children, and my friends, and siblings, and all family. I cherish being able to go grocery shopping, and walking in my garden, and even being able to write this blog. I don’t want to take any of it for granted because we truly never know how long it will last.

Then I sat down and opened my bible, and as much as I love this country and the freedoms I have, it’s NOTHING compared to the freedom I have in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! The freedoms this country provides are temporary, but the freedom I have in Jesus is eternal, “But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life” Roman 6:22 NKJV.  “Most assuredly, I say to you, if anyone keeps My word he shall never see death.” John 8:51 NKJV. My relationship with Jesus can never be taken from me, no matter how crazy this country may get. His spirit lives within me and His word is in my heart and therefore I have eternal freedom!

I don’t remember exactly what I answered my granddaughter with, but I know it was very basic and simplified and it pacified her for the time. I’m curious though, in the age we live in, what would you’re answer be?

So often people talk about or ask, “what is your testimony?”, like what happened, and when did it happen, that brought me to a knowledge, trust, faith, belief, surrender, etc. in Christ? I have written a basic testimony before, but lately it’s been greatly on my mind and so I wonder…. Was it when:

Was it when my friend Lisa invited me to C.Y.C. and then to church…repeatedly, in 3rd grade? Or when my friend Jenette started inviting me to her house and I discovered that her mom had a “Good news” book ministry in their sun room?… in 4th grade….that triggered questions. Or was it when in 7th grade, my Granny was very sick and I asked God to “take her home” and He did!!! immediately! He became “real” and feared that day…I realized the power of prayer that day as well…and avoided it for many years to follow. Or could it have been when He protected my little 2 1/2 year old daughter from major harm after falling into a sandpit campfire? Or maybe each time my son ‘survived’ suffocation from severe asthma and then to see him “grow out of it” and become a United States soldier?

Or was it when I was sitting alone and stranded 13 miles north of no where and felt the urge to call my friend Jennifer and ask some deep questions? At which time she suggested I read the book of John. When we hung up, I pulled out the only bible I had, which was a tiny pocket new testament that had a “sinners prayer” in the front of it…. I tearfully read it and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior that day!! Just to turtle crawl my way through the next 2 plus years basically doing my own selfish horrible things. Then again, it may have been when I laid praying on my friends sofa, 2 hours away from my 4th husband of one year, for God to give me a legit reason for a divorce…but instead, as I drifted off to sleep, I was awoken by a very audible voice saying “go home”? I immediately called my husband and told him I would be home in the morning. Or a few months after that when I was burned over 27 percent of my body in a weed burning accident and I praised and thanked God all the way to the hospital. And was given the opportunity both during the flight for life to the burn unit, and while in the burn unit to share God’s love with the medical staff?

Was it when I found myself a Pastor’s wife and being used in women’s ministry even though I was terrified (still am terrified)? Or when I witnessed Him work mightily in the heart of my mother-in-law as she was in the final lap of battling cancer? Or when He blessed me with grand-kids? Or when He took away a couple of my sister’s grand-kids and I saw no anger toward Him?

Or was it when I snapped at my husband last week and God protected him from hearing me (since I wasn’t even mad …at anyone). Or was it last night?…..when I sat having coffee with a couple of friends, talking about kids, grandchildren, husbands, work, pain, ministry, sharing opportunities, God’s grace, and so on ~ and at the end of it all, feeling so incredibly blessed and humbled to be able to serve such an amazing God!

Every Season, Every year, Every “life event”, even Every day ~ my testimony unfolds more and more as God reveals more of Himself through people and events and even by revealing more of me- to me. I can tell you “major moments” in my life, and God knows there are many more than I can write, but I believe the “major moments” are only glimpses into my actual “testimony”. EVERY DAY IS A CHOICE…. a choice to accept Jesus’ sacrifice, to believe He died and rose for me! Every day is a choice to love Him. To serve Him. To love others. To forgive, and seek and accept forgiveness. To die to self and show others the same grace and mercy that He shows me EVERY DAY!

Romans 12:2        And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3        Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort.

So on my journey of focus I find myself being continually convicted to “Rejoice in the Lord always, Again I will say, rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4).  I have the choice to be healthy – praise God. I have the choice to forgive and encourage in my relationships – praise God. I have the ability to place all my sorrows at the foot of the cross – praise God. I rejoice in my own redemption. I rejoice in the salvation of loved ones. I rejoice in the Word of God. And I rejoice in the HOPE that we all have in Jesus!

That paragraph was the last paragraph from my last post six months ago….

Since that post, my friend’s mom that I spoke of has gone home to Jesus. My grandma is still with us and she prays everyday that she could just go to sleep and wake up in the presence of God. Both kids with upcoming weddings have had their weddings and they were such beautiful, blessed events. Another child of mine in the military will be soon deployed. The headlines have gotten crazier and scarier. My health seems to be the same (or slightly worse) when I base it on how I feel daily, however, the tests and diagnosis’ have not been encouraging. This update (as brief as it is) is a look at how life continues and we all need a daily reminder that we need to focus…and rejoice.  Psalm 118:24 says, “This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.”

Psalm 119:15 ~ “I will meditate on Your precepts, I will contemplate Your ways”. Another reminder of how to stay focused. Staying focused on the Word and applying it to our daily lives helps us to see beyond the ups and downs of our emotional and physical lives. It’s not always easy. Some days it feels impossible… but it’s not. I think one of my challenges isn’t necessarily my own focus (although it is a constant struggle and conscious effort), it’s convincing others to do the same…or to help them understand that I am focused and have complete confidence in God. I am an emotional person… I cry when I’m sad, when I’m angry, when I’m happy, even when I laugh, and pray, and sing…you get the picture. Sometimes, I don’t show emotion…like I can be fascinated by something yet my facial expression won’t change. Knowing this about myself, I understand why it may be hard for people to read me, so therefore, I will typically try to explain things…excessively (which isn’t always helpful). I want to set an example for others since it’s not up to me to tell them to focus or even to trust God but I want them to see me focus on the Word and trust God so that they can understand and desire the peace that comes with it. I’m not always sure how to do this…to be the example we are all called to be as Christians, but I know that if I ask God then He will tell me. If I seek, I will find. The answer is in His Word so I will study and seek and when I stumble or fail as I know will happen at times, then I will accept His GRACE.

Now my prayer is this… “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13  and “Grace be with all those who love our Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity. Amen.” Ephesians 6:24

Do you ever have days (and nights) that you can’t sleep or focus (more than usual) and all you feel is desperate? I do. I don’t always know why, so I pray “what is it God?” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you”.  Sometimes I feel a specific person or circumstance that He presses on my heart to pray for and other times just….. desperation. I’ve been having a lot of this recently.

2015 was a year of ups and downs and 2016 is getting a good start to the same roller coaster. I have a couple kids getting married in the upcoming months and that makes me feel happy and I pray for them and I rejoice!

I have a grandmother dying of cancer and dear friend’s mother recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and this makes me sad and I pray for them ….and yet I feel the need to rejoice!

I watch the news and hear of the chaos in the world. The politics of the world consume every headline….. and I feel sad, disappointed, angry and I pray…. and rejoice!

Please don’t misunderstand. I don’t always rejoice right away, I usually let my flesh and emotion get to me before it occurs to me (or rather I stop and listen to the Holy Spirit within me) to rejoice. I desire to be better. Today I realized that this feeling of desperation is for my friends and family who don’t know Jesus! I feel the Holy Spirit telling me to pray for them. Talk to them, share His message. We are in desperate times (end times) and events seem to be speeding up. The bible is very clear of the Way to salvation, John 14:6 tells us, “Jesus said…I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me”. Many people claim His name and yet do not believe those words! I don’t believe there is a clearer way to say it. I understand the temptation to do things your own way, I’m selfish too.

To my “Christian” friends, family, and readers….. If you believe there are multiple ways to salvation/heaven let me just say to you that you are wrong. And I believe if you are honest with yourselves, you know you are…you just want to see a way to make sense of the world and your hurts. I hear ya, I really do. A song comes to mind that I only ever hear during the Christmas season and I wish it were played all year, all the time. It’s titled “Psalm 13” and it is in fact psalm 13. The song starts out with “How long oh Lord, will you forget me?” and the chorus speaks volumes of where a true Christians heart should be… “but I trust in your unfailing love, my heart will rejoice. still I sing of your unfailing love..You have been good. You will be good to me.”

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uusiWwIo-C4 (please copy and paste this link to hear the song )

To my non-Christian family, friends, and readers….. PLEASE consider how your eternity will play out. An excerpt from “The Knowledge of the Holy” by A.W.Tozer says it well… “We must all choose whether we will obey the gospel or turn away in unbelief and reject it’s authority. Our choice is our own, but the consequences of our choice have already been determined by the sovereign will of God, and from this there is no appeal.”. Whatever your choice, I still love you and so does God, but know this…. He is the perfect parent and follows through on His Word. He sacrificed His Son on the cross for your salvation. Although He loves you, He will not allow you to spend eternity with Him unless you accept and believe Him at His Word..That Jesus died and rose again proving He is who He says He is.

With a new year starting again, we look around and talk to our friends and family and everyone is talking about all the changes they want  to make which causes me to reflect on my own desires. Of course I still have the same goals of a healthy body, healthy relationships, a healthy emotional state of mind, etc… but don’t all these things begin with finding the good? 

So on my journey of focus I find myself being continually convicted to “Rejoice in the Lord always, Again I will say, rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4).  I have the choice to be healthy – praise God. I have the choice to forgive and encourage in my relationships – praise God. I have the ability to place all my sorrows at the foot of the cross – praise God. I rejoice in my own redemption. I rejoice in the salvation of loved ones. I rejoice in the Word of God. And I rejoice in the HOPE that we all have in Jesus!

Today I woke up in a lot of pain. Well, that happens every day actually but some days are worse than others…today was one of those. Normally I would take it really easy for the day, getting lots of rest, yet moving a bit here and there so my muscles don’t get even tighter.  Today , however, I got up (slowly) and made my way to the coffee pot. After the first cup I called my dearest friend to see how she and her family are holding up as they just lost a family member to cancer last week. By the time I was done with that phone call, I had finished 2 more cups of coffee. I guessed it was time to get myself ready for the mini road trip I was making with my niece and her kiddos.

I love kids…and my niece…and my family…. and people, but you see when I wake up feeling like I did this morning, I really don’t want to see ANYONE. I feel that it takes everything I have just to focus on not hurting. I might read my bible a little longer than usual, or read my book, or research something along the lines of, “how do I get rid of this pain”. Then I might go for a little walk to loosen up my muscles. Then start all over.  Today though was different. I had already committed to this trip with my niece and I couldn’t back out last minute. I couldn’t stay in my jammies and lounge around all day anyway since I’m not at home. So I put on my “I can’t show how much I hurt today” face and some comfy clothes and got ready to go.

Once my niece and her kids arrived, we loaded into my car and hit the road. It was a nice drive with wonderful company and conversation. When we got to the town we intended, we did a little shopping (very little) and then went to lunch. Finally it was time to go see my grandmother (the reason for the road trip). When we walked in, she was just sitting down to play BINGO with the other residents. She didn’t recognize us or the kids, but she sure was happy to see us. She loves the attention and hugs, but mostly the little ones. Some of the other residents lit up with almost as much joy as Grandma did in fact. We only stayed about 10 minutes because we didn’t want to interrupt their game. Today was the third time I’d gone to see Grandma in a week…last week I went twice and had one of my own grandchildren with me each time. The precious priceless look on Grandma’s face when one of her great great grandchildren walks in the room is something I hope I never forget. I’m hoping to go again very soon and I hope I have a little one with me when I do.

It’s hard to think about the time a person has…or doesn’t have. You see, Grandma is in her 90’s now and although she has some common health issues that go along with being as seasoned as she is, she has now been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with no treatment coming. She understands and accepts it and even seems a bit happy about it…she’s “been ready” for some time now and is looking forward to seeing Grandpa again. I know that she knows Jesus and therefore I am happy for her…..however, it doesn’t make it easy for those of us that will miss her.

I woke up in pain today. I continued on in pain today. As I conversed with my niece, I was also still very aware of the physical pain I was in during the drive and the shopping and such….. but when I saw Grandma’s face light up, my pain was gone, if only for a few moments. I saw a beautiful woman who is also always in pain and knows she has a terminal condition and yet was simply happy to see family (whether she knew us or not) and play BINGO with friends and just be….

Although she didn’t recognize our faces today, she always recognizes the love and I want to show her as much as I can in these few months she has left.

No matter the pain. No matter the circumstance. May my FOCUS always be first on Jesus and the cross and then….. today. May every “today” be a glorious blessing. And may we strive to be a blessing to others every …today.

Seasons…Chapters… to some people those two words mean the same thing~life changes. My own journey continues and stagnates and continues again, like most. This is in all categories ~ spiritual, physical, emotional, you understand.

Since my last post I was told I will be a Granny again this Fall from one daughter, another daughter got married to a man with three kids already (that’s three instant grankids for me 😉 ), and yet another daughter recently got engaged, as did one of my boys!! It’s been a year of highs for sure. This year has also had some lows with the loss of a friend to cancer and another friend being diagnosed with MS. All of this is in addition to the regular, daily emotional highs and lows that come with being a woman as well as fighting chronic pain EVERY day. A few months back I received my first epidural lumbar injection and nerve block. The second is coming up. The injections did help some but it took me a while to realize it because I allow the various aches, pains, and emotions I experience regularly to be very distracting ~ staying focused is a challenge…it’s a journey.

I get frustrated and depressed and angry at my limitations all of the time. Therefore I will blow off the healthy foods for a while, and procrastinate on seeing the doctor and chiropractor like I should, and I’ll skip exercises for a couple weeks at a time all because I’m wallowing in my own little pity party. Just as I get frustrated, however, I also get encouraged. Maybe it’s something a friend says, or an analogy the Pastor used on Sunday morning, or seeing the grand babies and remembering part of the reason I want a healthier (in all aspects) life. God speaks to me through little things as well as through prayer and His Word. This morning I read Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians (chapter 2 verses 9-10 specifically)… ‘And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG.’

So as this new season approaches-both literally and figuratively- with changes in weather, changes in family, and physical changes, I hope to be an encouragement to others and always be grateful for what I have, both happy and painful. May we all find strength and encouragement from one another and especially in the Word of God. Drawing upon His strength daily will help us overcome challenges unimaginable. Drawing upon His grace daily will help us accept all His blessings…no matter what they look like.

As Christmas (and the end of the year) approaches I’ve been looking back on this year’s journey….. many ups and downs.  I started this blog in part to encourage myself along the way, that’s one of the downers.  I’ve been reflecting on where my priorities have been. Unfortunately I must admit I’ve been mostly selfish. I tend to recognize my blessings like close friends, family, children, grandchildren, moderate physical health, etc. However, I have neglected my number one blessing and that is my relationship with my Lord as Savior Jesus Christ. Yes, I still pray every day and read His Word often and acknowledge His presence in my life, but He has shown me recently how I have not done my duty as a child of God. We, as Christians,  are called to do more than keep Him to ourselves. We are to set a Christ like example to others. We are to share His word with others. We are to minister in whatever way we can or that He leads us to. I do try to give glory to God in all things but I’m not sure if I’ve done this out loud enough. I’m not sure I’ve encouraged others enough to look for God’s hand in their lives or to seek His strength and wisdom.  I know I stepped away from women’s ministry a few years ago and while I look back on those times with great fondness,  I have intentionally avoided it every since. It has been out of pure selfishness. ….. I gained such blessed friends and sisters in Christ through that ministry that it hurt very deeply to leave them; I have avoided it because I didn’t want to become attached and hurt again. God didn’t call me to women’s ministry to make friends, He did so so that He could use me to reach others and to share His love with them and so they could bless me also.

So now as I plan for the new year and what ways I will be moving forward, I see I need the same priorities but in a different order. My number one priority (is) will be my relationship and obedience to my Savior. I encourage all of you as well to have Him as your top priority. I could lose 50 lbs and be in great health, be physically active, eat all the right things, spend time with family and friends,  even get back involved in the church, but without Christ as the center it’s all for nothing. If you don’t know Jesus as your personal Savior, I encourage you to first ask Him into your heart/life…accept and trust that He died on the cross to pay the debt of your sins and rose from the grave. He has a purpose for each of us and is simply waiting for us to trust Him, believe Him, and allow Him to have control. Once you accept Him as Savior then get into His Word. Read it, meditate on it, let it resonate with you in everything.

I still have plans to quit smoking, lose weight, eat healthy, exercise,  etc…. but Jesus is my coach, captain, director, you name it…HE IS IN CONTROL.

Have a blessed, God filled Christmas and new year. May His face shine upon you.

Distractions can be very difficult at times. I wake up every morning determined to succeed with whatever I have planned for the day, but sometimes I allow things and people to be distracting. When I get up and grab my coffee and my bible I think, “here we go”. Thankfully I can usually get through the bible time and coffee before my teenager gets out of bed or the dogs start begging for attention but once those things happen then the rest of the day is dependent upon my own determination, my concentration, my focus. I have a “plan” each day to hit the treadmill mid-morning then have a smoothie. Lately though I find myself getting caught up in conversation with my son or watching whatever tv show he has turned on and then the day starts getting away from me. It’s not his fault, in fact he has reminded me on several occasions of what I should be doing (he’s getting pretty good at accountability). I have found though that if I lose to much focus early in the day then I really struggle with the rest of the day. I begin justifying what I eat or not going for a walk or whatever…. I’m even 2 days late writing this post because I’ve allowed distractions this week. Today I feel a little frustrated that I’ve been stumbling but I also feel determined.

Yesterday it was raining so instead of walking outside (or over to the treadmill), I did a workout with a walking video that I have…It was a great workout (4 miles worth) but I hurt so bad today that I find myself going back and forth about should I take it easy today? or just push forward through the pain? It’s a very tough decision for someone with Fibromyalgia. I often go for short walks when I start feeling the need to munch but it’s raining again today so I’m not sure how that’ll work..I need prayer. I haven’t lost anymore weight yet even though I feel I’ve been doing the right things…again, I need prayer to not get discouraged. I know it will happen if I stay focused and don’t give up. All I want to do today is snuggle up in a blanket watching tv with some hot chocolate and junk food…but I won’t. As soon as I’m done writing this I will pop in my walking video again and get a workout in, then I’ll have a smoothie. I know I’ll need some pain medication shortly afterward when my muscles are screaming more than they are now but I WILL follow through. With God by my side I can accomplish anything.